Thursday, December 3, 2009

There's Thirty Four of you?!

Well that's something I never expected in just a few short weeks of blogging. So I'm extending a massive thank you to all you guys for taking some time out to follow, and especially the comments; sometimes it's nice to feel like my rants are bouncing somewhere.

Which leads me neatly on to this question; you're actually reading this?? God it kind of makes me cringe because my posts here always seem to pitiful to me, and added to that is the fact that the majority of the time I just punch out these blogs in two minute bursts borne out of a massive need to vent somewhere, anywhere. So I guess I'm apologising for the lack of fluidity or coherency, or even wit or intellect. I really hope it doesn't make for all that bad of reading...

And yes I've been reading blogs too, I promise to try harder with commenting, really I do, because sometimes I read an entry and it really hits home and I think that it can only be a positive thing, personally it helps a lot. And it sits far more comfortably with me than being part of any of those forums. That's not a sleight on anyone, just my own complex.

Right now, I've been awake for forty three hours, completely straight. Not so much as a nap. And I've no idea why. It's verging on the miserable though because I'm buzzing with SO many projects I want to do, I want them all now, I want to be everything. I have the potential to do anything I put my mind to. But alas I can't focus enough to concentrate on any one thing at a time. Guess that's where I need my sleep. Going to try tonight, I just don't feel tired. I also broke a little today, well a lot as far as I'm concerned, broke fasting this evening with bad, bad things. Purged most of it back, I only do that when I'm desperate but I'm damned if I'm going to let one slip knock me off track. Can't have that mass just residing there inside of me. It must go. Maybe I can be hopeful and it could just boost my metabolism, and also the lack of sleep surely is impairing my willpower somewhat. Either way it's a complete and utter fast tomorrow to make up for it. I think I find it hard to sleep when I've eaten, like if I just keep going I'll keep burning, that's kind of messed and illogical but I do see a pattern here...

Oh my goodness if you could only see the disgusting amount of junk food that's stocked up in the house right now. Fuck, it's crazy, and it's a free for all, and I really really want to just toss the whole lot in the bin so so bad. I'm happier wandering the supermarket aisles disallowing myself everything. Nothing is ok when I try and consider what would be safe to sustain me it all disgusts me. And then you walk home feeling strong and there's a motherfucking dinner on the stove and packs upon packs of crisps, chocolate, biscuits, bread, cheeses, cereals... My friends enjoy food and have a really healthy attitude towards it. To not have constant voices surrounding every single morsel bewilders me. I actually don't think it's possible I'll ever be like them.

And that's why I won't punish myself over one slip because in the face of the constant reminders I'd like to think I'm remaining somewhat strong.

3 comments:

  1. Your story makes me feel less alone. Although I go on the ProAna stuff, I definitely feel lost in this disease and I am very aware of my decision making. To me it isn't strength. I am getting lost in myself.
    I admired you so much for entering the hospital, I really hope that by reading your story I'll stop or at least find the courage to come clean.

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  2. I am a doctor :)
    It doesn't help much

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  3. Venting through your blog helps us all, a lot. I know for me it makes me sit up and go "Oh my god, I'm not the only one thinking that!" because it's unrevised thoughts, no sugar-coating, just like our food. ;D
    Try and sleep hun, just like that little slip up it will do your metabolism a whole loada good, as will keeping your liquids up. xx

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