Friday, December 4, 2009

So, um, this is a little strange.

I guess it pays not to weigh yourself everyday.

I've had a relatively good week, then had my counselling session today which basically told me to cop on and face my problems otherwise there's no point in going into treatment because essentially it's up to me. Right, ok so I see her point, but I just wanted to keep pushing and deal with that when it comes, because I don't know what I want. It's hardly like I want to eat because if I did then surely I wouldn't need to go for treatment.. Urgh.. I'm just not in the place this past while to want to think about it.

Anyway, it's all irrelevant now because I ruined my good streak and binged. And I mean massively. Made good use of all that available food here. Feel sick. Need it out. Quick. But it's not coming up. And all along the earlier conversation swirls in my mind. Maybe it'll be ok, show that you can handle the anxiety. Don't panic. Just accept. It won't come up. But you know that if it means an extra pound or two it's probably for the best. And at least the purge motivation is out of your system again for another little while. And this is a natural reaction to your body when it's in starvation mode. But I haven't been starving. I been careful to have a couple of hundred calories a day to at least have something. But she said it's what happens. So I should accept?

So I can't get rid of it. Must show myself the error of my ways. Take off clothes. Get on scale. Ok I know it won't be accurate because it'll show all the extra weight from what I've eaten because I haven't digested at least some of it yet. At least to get the relief of some of it gone. But no. I must see the damage.

Completely expecting the worst.

But the scale reads 92 pounds.
Oh. Holy. Fuck.

And that's after binging. I must have done so well this week. So I should be freaking out but instead I'm ok. Is what I'm saying even making sense? How did this happen?

Don't get me wrong; I still feel vile having this weight inside me, and want it gone. I know I've slowed things down, and taken a step back from what could've been a successful loss. But I guess it could be worse. I'm ok with this weight. For now. And like I said before, I've a binge out of my system for another while. I can get back to avoiding that horrid food. Fast, do what I feel comfortable with. And it'll give me energy. I think I'm finding a pattern that really works for me. I've been waiting to crash for over a week now and I'm still doing ok. Back to fasts and I guess I'll take each day as it comes. I think I can survive on this. Fuck am I just talking complete nonsense? Yep, probably. But this is working for me. Even if I break once a week, in the grand scheme of things I'll keep my weight down. Maybe. I don't know. I don't care for facts or numbers anymore. I just want to do what feels right to me. And feeling empty feels right. So bye bye today. You were just a fleeting moment.

And so what becomes of treatment beginning next week? Surely my current attitude isn't very conducive to making myself better. Or maybe this is me tricking myself into thinking I don't need it. Because right now I'm not content but I'm getting close.

@Loola, thanks for the comment, for some reason I can't seem to figure out how to post on your blog so I'm going to stick it here, but anyway, thank you, I really appreciate what you said. But I don't feel courageous, I've just made myself a small safety net because nobody else will call me up on my actions or address the matter. Seriously I think I'd have to be in a hospital bed before anybody around me would raise the issue (so I suppose it works out fine for me to continue as I see fit) so at some point I have to take responsibility. Which is ironic considering my post above. But I hope at least you can feel less lost in this whole mess, in the end it's only you that can choose to change no matter what anybody else tries. That's something I'm realising more and more these days. x


  1. Thanks for the shout out :) Good luck figuring stuff out too...yeah I'm pretty overwhelmed about facing any of it.

  2. I know it's so daunting, I think you just have to throw yourself in there and work it out as you go along... x

  3. I totally understand your confusion about getting better. Surely if you want to eat, you're better, right?
    Recovery is more about long-term behavioral patterns. After what we've done to ourselves, it's no doubt that "normal" feelings and thoughts will flash back. It's hard to tell when Ana's your friend or your mistress.