Monday, December 21, 2009

So far around the bend.

Still not there yet...
I'm in a shameful place.
I've been binging constantly. Maybe I've lost my anorexia and have turned into a compulsive eater. Everything I stood for is gone. And I hate it. And with Christmas it's going to be even tougher.
I woke up today ready to fast and then just had breakfast anyway.
At least when I get my bloods checked on Wednesday it'll probably look better because I have to have got something from the last two weeks right? But a part of me wants it to be bad, I know it sounds insane but at least if my results aren't great I can feel like I haven't lost my will completely. Fucking stupid right.
Somebody please give me strength here. I'm fallen. I'm gaining like nobody's business. I'm too scared to properly check but I think I'm back to seven stone.
I don't deserve the treatment being offered, I seem to be doing fine putting on weight all by myself and lots of it.
What has happened to me?
I keep thinking I can survive on restricting, but I can't get back to that until the holidays are over because I need to fast to compensate for the dinners I'll have to eat. And I can't fast. All my unsafe foods are going inside me. Where the fuck are my standards?
Fast until Friday. Can I do this? Will it even change my gain at all? I'd give anything to be back at ninety four. I can forget about losing anymore. God just let me back to what I was a week ago. Please. I absolutely hate myself. Why am I doing this to myself? I want it back.
And the worst thing is I told my mam last night that I was diagnosed with anorexia, then I went to the kitchen and ate a lot. A lot. Oh fuck I've eaten so much recently. I feel like a hypocrite. What the hell is wrong with me here. God maybe if I just admitted myself when it was offered to me I wouldn't have gained as much there than I am doing at home. Now that's bad.

1 comment:

  1. I'm sorry you feel like this. there are times when your so down it's like you've hit the bottom, you can't take any more. and it's hard.
    You just have to try, don't go and full on fast, because you'll probably start craving and fall back into binging again, just take it easy, it'll all be okay. x