Still not there yet...
I'm in a shameful place.
I've been binging constantly. Maybe I've lost my anorexia and have turned into a compulsive eater. Everything I stood for is gone. And I hate it. And with Christmas it's going to be even tougher.
I woke up today ready to fast and then just had breakfast anyway.
At least when I get my bloods checked on Wednesday it'll probably look better because I have to have got something from the last two weeks right? But a part of me wants it to be bad, I know it sounds insane but at least if my results aren't great I can feel like I haven't lost my will completely. Fucking stupid right.
Somebody please give me strength here. I'm fallen. I'm gaining like nobody's business. I'm too scared to properly check but I think I'm back to seven stone.
I don't deserve the treatment being offered, I seem to be doing fine putting on weight all by myself and lots of it.
What has happened to me?
I keep thinking I can survive on restricting, but I can't get back to that until the holidays are over because I need to fast to compensate for the dinners I'll have to eat. And I can't fast. All my unsafe foods are going inside me. Where the fuck are my standards?
Fast until Friday. Can I do this? Will it even change my gain at all? I'd give anything to be back at ninety four. I can forget about losing anymore. God just let me back to what I was a week ago. Please. I absolutely hate myself. Why am I doing this to myself? I want it back.
And the worst thing is I told my mam last night that I was diagnosed with anorexia, then I went to the kitchen and ate a lot. A lot. Oh fuck I've eaten so much recently. I feel like a hypocrite. What the hell is wrong with me here. God maybe if I just admitted myself when it was offered to me I wouldn't have gained as much there than I am doing at home. Now that's bad.