I'm suffering a binge blip. It's longer than usual, true. But accept it. The more pressure I put on myself about getting through the holidays and seeing people is keeping me eating. When I binge I don't want to see anybody until I get rid of it again.
MASSIVE fucking BLIP.
But beating myself up about it is keeping me there.
So I weighed myself today, with clothes on. No trying to make the figures pretty. 97. That's three pounds on last week. Although part of me is trying to fudge the numbers because I haven't digested any of yesterday's food so it could be less.
ANYWAY. Here is what I'm going to do about my monumental fuck up. I'm obviously all over the place and have reversed into eating, because I've lost all focus or drive, or care for that matter. I am going to enjoy all that Christmas crap. Eat, whatever. Still not sure how comfortable I am with doing it all over again the next day but I'll deal with it. I will then do a massive lax cleanse. I'm killing my insides with these things so I simply have to resist doing it after last night. So I must wait until its absolutely crucial. So I choose then. After the 26th I'm going back to my house again, I'm not going out for the 26th, fuck tradition, I feel so horrible and ugly, and NOBODY will see me like this. Then it's restricting. No compensating with fasts because that is keeping me in this fucking cycle. Ok so it may be slower to see results but long term it'll get me back to me. Going to keep a lunchbox of fruit and veg and can only eat from that daily portion. I can pick at it anytime I feel the need to keep me going throughout the day but it will still be controlled through measured calories that I put into it. And it will be healthy food and it'll keep me going enough to get back exercising too, and then maybe by new years I will be back on track and up to socialising. And maybe enjoy new years eve. And from then on it's plain sailing.
Am I fooling myself? Well it's better than thinking I am in a frame of mind to fast. I have to be realistic and see that it's only leading to disaster. So I guess it'll be four days to lose four Christmas pounds for new years, and ultimately five more pounds. Recovery is the farthest thing from my mind right now. I am taking control back. By putting SO much emphasis on food my body wanted everything. I couldn't just choose one thing because I wanted to have everything I deny myself, and so I had to have it all at once. 1000 calories in one sitting, no problem. Well no, fuck that I choose to not have it. It's not denial, it's a choice. I will get my flat stomach back, I will feel light as a feather. I'm making a comeback and not carrying on with this whinging bullshit. It's so unbecoming.
I truly hope you all find a way to get through the next few days. It probably won't be easy, but it IS only a few days and you have the power to get over that. Just remember that the consequences of those days are only temporary. TEMPORARY. Don't let it pull you down. I'm sitting here, aware of my increasing flesh without even feeling for it. But it is temporary.
And also, thanks for the comments, I see now that you all make sense in what you were saying, I'm just sorry it took me so long and so much gain to get there and realise it!