Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Ever feel...

Like you've let yourself go so much, binged so much, gained so much, and let go of all the values and standards that are so important to you, like you've completely and totally let yourself down, are totally trapped, weak and pathetic, and can't stop it, like you can't just fucking stop your disgusting vile ways...
That you've called the Samaritans in some sort of desperate episode?
Well I did.
Not even sure how it occurred to me but I did.
I can't escape food. Tonight I ate absolutely everything I could find. How can someone diagnosed as anorexic go from one extreme to the other? When will it stop? I wish I had a cell to lock myself away until I get a grip on things again. Feel comfort in that emptiness. I feel like I'm losing everything. Because right now I am stumbling every day, and my body is filling out with this horrid horrid fat, and my bones are disappearing and god my mind, my mind just won't control my actions.

1 comment:

  1. awh sweetheart! i know exactually how you feel. ive gone so down hill lately. and i hate myself for it. ive gained some weight back. i do know one thing. last night i started to read a book i had bought. its called "stick figure" i find that its kinda helping my mind. helping me hear ana again.

    i hope that you are doing better soon.