Monday, December 28, 2009

Watch me.

I've got quite the lovely new camera for Christmas.

This week I AM going to lose my Christmas pounds.

I'm making a comeback, I can feel it. Fuck this New Years party shit, if I have to go and they want to talk then I'll damn well give them something to talk about.

Did I mention I have a lovely new camera?

I'll post again in the New Year, with new photos, because like I said I'm making a comeback and I can post something to be proud of.

I don't endorse such behaviors but I choose to accept mine.

It makes my skin crawl to think that I'm fully capable of being a disgusting fat over eater. Damn them and their bad foods, making me think it's ok to give in, giving in for me means I lose all control and dive in.

No No No

Guess my blood test will show higher nutrient levels because of it though, right?

This isn't a new year resolution. This is a return to form.

I think all the fat has accumulated on my face, neck and thighs. Now for anyone who feels bad about binging this Christmas... At least you didn't do it for two whole weeks. I've a lot of ground work to do here.

And my arm now bears scratches. Now that is definitely not me. Not in the slightest. I always abhorred such things. What's more is; I simply don't care. Fill me with liquor, powder my nose and let just one week glide from under my feet. Just one, just a little holiday.

See you at six and a half stone.


No excuses

Wednesday, December 23, 2009


I'm suffering a binge blip. It's longer than usual, true. But accept it. The more pressure I put on myself about getting through the holidays and seeing people is keeping me eating. When I binge I don't want to see anybody until I get rid of it again.
But beating myself up about it is keeping me there.
So I weighed myself today, with clothes on. No trying to make the figures pretty. 97. That's three pounds on last week. Although part of me is trying to fudge the numbers because I haven't digested any of yesterday's food so it could be less.
ANYWAY. Here is what I'm going to do about my monumental fuck up. I'm obviously all over the place and have reversed into eating, because I've lost all focus or drive, or care for that matter. I am going to enjoy all that Christmas crap. Eat, whatever. Still not sure how comfortable I am with doing it all over again the next day but I'll deal with it. I will then do a massive lax cleanse. I'm killing my insides with these things so I simply have to resist doing it after last night. So I must wait until its absolutely crucial. So I choose then. After the 26th I'm going back to my house again, I'm not going out for the 26th, fuck tradition, I feel so horrible and ugly, and NOBODY will see me like this. Then it's restricting. No compensating with fasts because that is keeping me in this fucking cycle. Ok so it may be slower to see results but long term it'll get me back to me. Going to keep a lunchbox of fruit and veg and can only eat from that daily portion. I can pick at it anytime I feel the need to keep me going throughout the day but it will still be controlled through measured calories that I put into it. And it will be healthy food and it'll keep me going enough to get back exercising too, and then maybe by new years I will be back on track and up to socialising. And maybe enjoy new years eve. And from then on it's plain sailing.
Am I fooling myself? Well it's better than thinking I am in a frame of mind to fast. I have to be realistic and see that it's only leading to disaster. So I guess it'll be four days to lose four Christmas pounds for new years, and ultimately five more pounds. Recovery is the farthest thing from my mind right now. I am taking control back. By putting SO much emphasis on food my body wanted everything. I couldn't just choose one thing because I wanted to have everything I deny myself, and so I had to have it all at once. 1000 calories in one sitting, no problem. Well no, fuck that I choose to not have it. It's not denial, it's a choice. I will get my flat stomach back, I will feel light as a feather. I'm making a comeback and not carrying on with this whinging bullshit. It's so unbecoming.
I truly hope you all find a way to get through the next few days. It probably won't be easy, but it IS only a few days and you have the power to get over that. Just remember that the consequences of those days are only temporary. TEMPORARY. Don't let it pull you down. I'm sitting here, aware of my increasing flesh without even feeling for it. But it is temporary.
And also, thanks for the comments, I see now that you all make sense in what you were saying, I'm just sorry it took me so long and so much gain to get there and realise it!

Ever feel...

Like you've let yourself go so much, binged so much, gained so much, and let go of all the values and standards that are so important to you, like you've completely and totally let yourself down, are totally trapped, weak and pathetic, and can't stop it, like you can't just fucking stop your disgusting vile ways...
That you've called the Samaritans in some sort of desperate episode?
Well I did.
Not even sure how it occurred to me but I did.
I can't escape food. Tonight I ate absolutely everything I could find. How can someone diagnosed as anorexic go from one extreme to the other? When will it stop? I wish I had a cell to lock myself away until I get a grip on things again. Feel comfort in that emptiness. I feel like I'm losing everything. Because right now I am stumbling every day, and my body is filling out with this horrid horrid fat, and my bones are disappearing and god my mind, my mind just won't control my actions.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Fuck, why can't I write a positive post.

I am officially trapped. And I've done it to myself. Food has wound it's dirty fingers around me and is moulding me into this horrific species of being. And I let it. I'm changing. I can see it. Feel it all around me. I've become so weak. I wished I lived alone. I wish I could be away from it all. I hate it all. I'm further away from accepting recovery than ever. I don't deserve it. I can fatten myself. I'm really just this disgusting creature crying to get out of my small body. And it's succeeding. So quickly. I can feel the fat between my thighs growing, the space decreasing, my stomach sticks out. I want it gone. I want it all gone. I want to disappear. I want the feeling of being hollow. Instead I'm turning into a growing wreck. Fuck this all. I want it all gone. This month has been the worst for me, I've let everything go and I'm so afraid I'm not strong enough to fight back.

This cannot happen to me.

So far around the bend.

Still not there yet...
I'm in a shameful place.
I've been binging constantly. Maybe I've lost my anorexia and have turned into a compulsive eater. Everything I stood for is gone. And I hate it. And with Christmas it's going to be even tougher.
I woke up today ready to fast and then just had breakfast anyway.
At least when I get my bloods checked on Wednesday it'll probably look better because I have to have got something from the last two weeks right? But a part of me wants it to be bad, I know it sounds insane but at least if my results aren't great I can feel like I haven't lost my will completely. Fucking stupid right.
Somebody please give me strength here. I'm fallen. I'm gaining like nobody's business. I'm too scared to properly check but I think I'm back to seven stone.
I don't deserve the treatment being offered, I seem to be doing fine putting on weight all by myself and lots of it.
What has happened to me?
I keep thinking I can survive on restricting, but I can't get back to that until the holidays are over because I need to fast to compensate for the dinners I'll have to eat. And I can't fast. All my unsafe foods are going inside me. Where the fuck are my standards?
Fast until Friday. Can I do this? Will it even change my gain at all? I'd give anything to be back at ninety four. I can forget about losing anymore. God just let me back to what I was a week ago. Please. I absolutely hate myself. Why am I doing this to myself? I want it back.
And the worst thing is I told my mam last night that I was diagnosed with anorexia, then I went to the kitchen and ate a lot. A lot. Oh fuck I've eaten so much recently. I feel like a hypocrite. What the hell is wrong with me here. God maybe if I just admitted myself when it was offered to me I wouldn't have gained as much there than I am doing at home. Now that's bad.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Coming soon.

I know I haven't written anything in some time.
But I'm mentally preparing myself.
Or have been hiding away.
I feel shameful.
I feel I have lost my grip.
I have let myself down. Right down.
I will write something soon. Of epic proportions.
In length, probably not quality.
It's been a long week. And yet a long week of nothing.
But my thoughts have been long and rambling.

Monday, December 7, 2009


Starting a week fast, ate a lot yesterday because I'm sick, needed the energy.
Whatever, I'm back in the game.
Won't be posting until Friday. Hopefully I'll have something postive to say then.
Wish me luck and support.
And know that I'll probably post sooner, but if that's the only willpower problems I have then that's fine by me.

I've been walking to this lately...

Only when I dream but there's no way out
You learn to talk, you learn to shout
Focus on depth that was never there
Eliminate what you can't repair
Nothing ever happened to me
Nothing ever happened to me
Life just passing, flash right through me
I never, saw it coming
Waiting for something, for nothing
I never, saw it coming
Waiting for something, for nothing

Saturday, December 5, 2009

All this alcohol will just make me gain.

I don't feel like I deserve to cry.
I'm not low enough to have reached rock bottom yet.

Friday, December 4, 2009

No wait, I've got the fear. Somebody? Anybody?

Somebody tell me that I'm not going to wake up in the morning with a huge stomach, and a couple of extra pounds.
I've done a 180 in the space of an hour, I'm now a needy pitiful mess.
I don't feel ok about this anymore. I can feel it all inside me. Swollen and heavy, and vile.
Can't do anything about it until the morning. Shit.
Can I feel better by this time tomorrow?
I walked eleven kilometres today. But I consumed, and please, I know it's disgusting, I consumed about 1400 calories. Fuck. That's so so over the top.
I'm scared. So much for being so naive as to think that that amount of food, especially junk food wouldn't fuck me up. How fucking smug was I with being a filthy creature, thinking I could just wipe it from my memory.
I know after this I'll be back to my normal habits for a while but how long will it take to get over this. I want to be 89.
What's the worst case scenario?

So, um, this is a little strange.

I guess it pays not to weigh yourself everyday.

I've had a relatively good week, then had my counselling session today which basically told me to cop on and face my problems otherwise there's no point in going into treatment because essentially it's up to me. Right, ok so I see her point, but I just wanted to keep pushing and deal with that when it comes, because I don't know what I want. It's hardly like I want to eat because if I did then surely I wouldn't need to go for treatment.. Urgh.. I'm just not in the place this past while to want to think about it.

Anyway, it's all irrelevant now because I ruined my good streak and binged. And I mean massively. Made good use of all that available food here. Feel sick. Need it out. Quick. But it's not coming up. And all along the earlier conversation swirls in my mind. Maybe it'll be ok, show that you can handle the anxiety. Don't panic. Just accept. It won't come up. But you know that if it means an extra pound or two it's probably for the best. And at least the purge motivation is out of your system again for another little while. And this is a natural reaction to your body when it's in starvation mode. But I haven't been starving. I been careful to have a couple of hundred calories a day to at least have something. But she said it's what happens. So I should accept?

So I can't get rid of it. Must show myself the error of my ways. Take off clothes. Get on scale. Ok I know it won't be accurate because it'll show all the extra weight from what I've eaten because I haven't digested at least some of it yet. At least to get the relief of some of it gone. But no. I must see the damage.

Completely expecting the worst.

But the scale reads 92 pounds.
Oh. Holy. Fuck.

And that's after binging. I must have done so well this week. So I should be freaking out but instead I'm ok. Is what I'm saying even making sense? How did this happen?

Don't get me wrong; I still feel vile having this weight inside me, and want it gone. I know I've slowed things down, and taken a step back from what could've been a successful loss. But I guess it could be worse. I'm ok with this weight. For now. And like I said before, I've a binge out of my system for another while. I can get back to avoiding that horrid food. Fast, do what I feel comfortable with. And it'll give me energy. I think I'm finding a pattern that really works for me. I've been waiting to crash for over a week now and I'm still doing ok. Back to fasts and I guess I'll take each day as it comes. I think I can survive on this. Fuck am I just talking complete nonsense? Yep, probably. But this is working for me. Even if I break once a week, in the grand scheme of things I'll keep my weight down. Maybe. I don't know. I don't care for facts or numbers anymore. I just want to do what feels right to me. And feeling empty feels right. So bye bye today. You were just a fleeting moment.

And so what becomes of treatment beginning next week? Surely my current attitude isn't very conducive to making myself better. Or maybe this is me tricking myself into thinking I don't need it. Because right now I'm not content but I'm getting close.

@Loola, thanks for the comment, for some reason I can't seem to figure out how to post on your blog so I'm going to stick it here, but anyway, thank you, I really appreciate what you said. But I don't feel courageous, I've just made myself a small safety net because nobody else will call me up on my actions or address the matter. Seriously I think I'd have to be in a hospital bed before anybody around me would raise the issue (so I suppose it works out fine for me to continue as I see fit) so at some point I have to take responsibility. Which is ironic considering my post above. But I hope at least you can feel less lost in this whole mess, in the end it's only you that can choose to change no matter what anybody else tries. That's something I'm realising more and more these days. x

Thursday, December 3, 2009

There's Thirty Four of you?!

Well that's something I never expected in just a few short weeks of blogging. So I'm extending a massive thank you to all you guys for taking some time out to follow, and especially the comments; sometimes it's nice to feel like my rants are bouncing somewhere.

Which leads me neatly on to this question; you're actually reading this?? God it kind of makes me cringe because my posts here always seem to pitiful to me, and added to that is the fact that the majority of the time I just punch out these blogs in two minute bursts borne out of a massive need to vent somewhere, anywhere. So I guess I'm apologising for the lack of fluidity or coherency, or even wit or intellect. I really hope it doesn't make for all that bad of reading...

And yes I've been reading blogs too, I promise to try harder with commenting, really I do, because sometimes I read an entry and it really hits home and I think that it can only be a positive thing, personally it helps a lot. And it sits far more comfortably with me than being part of any of those forums. That's not a sleight on anyone, just my own complex.

Right now, I've been awake for forty three hours, completely straight. Not so much as a nap. And I've no idea why. It's verging on the miserable though because I'm buzzing with SO many projects I want to do, I want them all now, I want to be everything. I have the potential to do anything I put my mind to. But alas I can't focus enough to concentrate on any one thing at a time. Guess that's where I need my sleep. Going to try tonight, I just don't feel tired. I also broke a little today, well a lot as far as I'm concerned, broke fasting this evening with bad, bad things. Purged most of it back, I only do that when I'm desperate but I'm damned if I'm going to let one slip knock me off track. Can't have that mass just residing there inside of me. It must go. Maybe I can be hopeful and it could just boost my metabolism, and also the lack of sleep surely is impairing my willpower somewhat. Either way it's a complete and utter fast tomorrow to make up for it. I think I find it hard to sleep when I've eaten, like if I just keep going I'll keep burning, that's kind of messed and illogical but I do see a pattern here...

Oh my goodness if you could only see the disgusting amount of junk food that's stocked up in the house right now. Fuck, it's crazy, and it's a free for all, and I really really want to just toss the whole lot in the bin so so bad. I'm happier wandering the supermarket aisles disallowing myself everything. Nothing is ok when I try and consider what would be safe to sustain me it all disgusts me. And then you walk home feeling strong and there's a motherfucking dinner on the stove and packs upon packs of crisps, chocolate, biscuits, bread, cheeses, cereals... My friends enjoy food and have a really healthy attitude towards it. To not have constant voices surrounding every single morsel bewilders me. I actually don't think it's possible I'll ever be like them.

And that's why I won't punish myself over one slip because in the face of the constant reminders I'd like to think I'm remaining somewhat strong.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Supermarket Sweep.

I'm doing good. Need to push myself so much harder though. This feels too easy. And I'm still breaking rules. But restricting is working hella good for me right now. I've decided to ignore logic and just let myself enjoy this. Before I crash back down again. I'm not weighing myself for a few days. I think the constant scrutiny of numbers on the scale is a massive factor in my emotional preoccupations so it's going to take a back seat.

I want to enjoy this. It's temporary so please let me have it. I want to bury my head in the sand until I have this hospital appointment and I actually have to confront this whole mess I've created. I feel like a fucking walking paradox. But I don't want to care.

I think that I must look like such a freak in shops. I get a welcome release from sidling up and down the aisles, checking the info on packaging. Better than eating it. I'm constantly amazed at how much shit is in things that people shove into their mouths without even thinking, like all those treats and snacks that people don't even count as having eaten. It's like a game. But I get so flustered. I must look so strange going up and down the aisles, picking stuff up and putting it back down again, leaving shops without actually having bought anything. I never buy any of that shit. Maybe that empowers me somewhat? Which is why I hate having so much junk in the house. It's always there taunting me and I don't even want it. Head fuck.

Doing good. Will do better.

And to end on a good note... The dentist assures me, even though I kept asking because of mass teeth paranoia, that my teeth will be absolutely fine. I honestly didn't beleve her for ages but I guess she's the professional. So now I can get back to ignoring all those stupid 'signs.'