Friday, November 13, 2009

Why now? Why not sooner?

Purged.

But I know it makes little difference because I left it way too late. But there's nothing like purging to make you feel liberated from food. Certainly don't feel like I need it anymore. I won't need to purge because it's lost it's grip.

Damn it's taken me a week of damage to get here. Wish I just vomited on Monday when this all started. This so isn't me. I think I'm losing my mind. Fasting feels so much... much... I don't know, clean I guess. But somehow I managed a week off. A whole week of the worst damage. Still haven't weighed my gain. I'm afraid.

God I sound like a broken record.

Nothing feels as good as melting away. Nothing gives a better kick than seeing the definition of my bones. I feel like the space between my inner thighs is getting smaller from all that eating. Already.

I really am a broken record.

Need to get over this and move on.

I'm giving myself 'til tuesday to be back to something close to what I was last week.

I've just realised that being so consumed by my downfall I've had no interest in relationships. God I'm newly single, why aren't I being a promiscous slut. That's what I'd normally do. That's what I used to do. But I don't want anybody to see my body until I'm back on track. I have this incredible need to indulge in just giving myslef away. Just something.

3 comments:

  1. Ugh... I just binged too.. But lucky for you, you can actually purge it back up. I ate too many simple carbs, so I sat there for thirty minutes trying to puke it all back up, and now I am having trouble breathing. Grrr... Ah well... Tomorrow is another day, so I completely understand... OH! And for the record, not completely idiotic at all.

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  2. I can really relate to this. I rememember all these wonderful feelings before other people came and buggared up all my hard work. T.T
    I have a boyfriend now, though, and I must say it's awfully rewarding when they say they love you being skinny. ^.^

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