Thursday, November 19, 2009

Thinspiring much?

Sorry, I've just feeling lousy this evening. Need to perk up. Just keep telling myself it's all in my mind. Things could be worse.

It's just right now I feel that this 'illness' or 'disorder' or whatever the hell you want to call it is the most vain, pathetic, self indulgent, self absorbed role to deal with. I don't feel proud. I feel guilty for being like this.

But I don't want to stop.

So really I guess what I'm trying to say here is that I'm sorry if you're following this blog and looking for some sort of motivation but this is just where I am at the moment. It's not all that pretty.

I'm just at a low point. And again, I'm sorry if my posts seem tedious and repetitive to read but the once familiar highs of this, this thing, aren't what they used to be.

But I'll keep pushing. Maybe tomorrow will feel better. Maybe I just shouldn't think anymore.

Really and truly I wish I didn't sound so whining. I know it's unbecoming, and I really hate dramatics. I guess that's why I vent here; so I don't blow up in the 'real world.' I'd never want to be seen as that sort of girl.

Must perk up. Must. Must. Must. My housemate will be home soon and much as I want to scream out every single sordid detail, she's been working all day and who wants to come home to that? Besides I can't put that pressure on someone I live with, it's unfair. So happy me. But I'm drained; I've been happy me for the past 48 hours to my family. I've been chatty me over coffee with friends today. I have to be outgoing me when I go out tomorrow night.

I feel weak. But I can't bring myself to swallow much these days. I can't. Part of me feels like I should. But I hate it.

Maybe I'll just get a good night's sleep.

Down to 93.

I just wanted to feel like I could melt away and instead I'm crumbling.

No dramatics, no romance, no glamour, when you hit the low points there's nothing attractive or redeeming about this.. At least that's how I view it. It feels pathetic and well, shit basically.

Maybe I'm just stuck in a mood swing.

Maybe tomorrow... Must stay optimistic. Yeah, tomorrow I'll be productive and strong.

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