Friday, November 27, 2009

So thanksgiving eh?

We don't celebrate thanksgiving here... May as well have done though considering my intake.

So I lied, I said I wouldn't post until I was back to 93. I'm currently teetering around 95. Drank last night, and even though I could only handle the pub for like an hour I still came home and wrecked myself with horrible, stodgy pasta and chocolate and bread. Disgusting. DISGUSTING. And it's stupid because last night I looked good. Skinny me and I loved it. And then I wrecked it. Dammit I just wanted to get wasted, but I felt like I couldn't do that when I was out with housemates so I left. And went home and chose the completely unfavourable route to self destruct...

Completely and totally.

Moving on. This week was successful as far as restricting. So let's forget the past twelve hours right. Moving on. My head hurts. I'm going to go for a five km walk and then some. This week is uber restrict mode. I'm not letting last night stop me now. Nope. Not going to dwell on it. Fuck I would never keep that stuff in my house, it's not food I want, I hate that when I'm weak it's there waiting for me. If t wasn't I would work through and derive some sort of pride from abstaining. I am weak in this house and it hurts because everything else about living with my friends is great. But christ, there needs to be boundaries. Pasta. Ugh.

See even as I type I know I'll start to dwell on what I've wrecked last night. And no, I'll be damned if I binge twice in one week. So moving on. No weighing until Monday. Guess I'll still be 95 because of this. But at least it won't be anymore.

A strange thing came oer me this week. I have limited time. I have to go to hospital in two weeks. So I need to push harder against it because God knows what they'll try and make me put on, and fuck knows how my mind will be warped into accepting. Ok I know they're not some sort of evil organisation! And I'm putting myself in the situation but I'm not ready to let go yet so I will work harder.

I am working harder. This is mine. And it feels damn good right now. Let me just enjoy that before I crash again.

I've been reading your thanksgiving stories, and I'm truly sorry that you've been having such tough times with it. I think it's so fucked that the spirit of family around these holidays is twisted through this massive preoccupation with how much food people can stuff inside their bodies. Really it's fucked, it's too much pressure and that shouldn't be the focus. Please please please don't let one day bring you down. It's one day that you can push through. Allow yourself to just be for that one day, and move on.

Nothing 'til Monday. Weigh in. And so it will continue.

1 comment:

  1. I agree with what you were saying about thanksgiving, it's odd, I don't celebrate it and I'm glad.
    don't feel bad about your slip up, everyone slips up, don't dwell on it because it will bring you down,
    move on, a new day, a frest start.
    I hope your okay x