Tuesday, November 17, 2009

I know this is so very very long but I'm starting to feel scared.

Confused. That's how I've felt this week.

To say it's draining would probably come close.

I really do feel like I'm accelerating into some sort of culmination... Of something. I'm just not sure what. See I've been very confused.

I'll try not to ramble.

I failed these past few months. No, I'm not dragging on about eating. I mean I've properly failed. And I can be a reasonable person; I understand that this has been hurried along by my disorder.

(I still feel strange referring to it as a thing, a disorder.)

I'm taking the semester off college. There's no other way. I could see myself falling; work, studies, socialising, goals and aspirations and normal fucking life. I did try to combat it. I really did. I availed of the health service in college. I didn't especially want to talk about it, I've always hated sharing because I never feel like I can adequately share it to myself let alone anybody else.

Yet two months later and here we are. I'm running out of patience. How long until I can function again. I just feel useless and lazy. I've seen the doctors, I've got the meds, I've changed the meds, I've got the higher dosages, I'm seeing the counsellor, I'm also seeing the psychiatrist, I've spoken to the student advisors, I've taken their advice, I'm taking time off on 'extenuating circumstances' so my grades won't be affected, I had the referral to the hospital, I've waited through the long waiting lists, and now it looms.

And herein lies the confusion. I truly know that the path I have found myself on is unhealthy. I don't know if that's because of my treatment changing my mindset but this past week it's been an abrasive mix of feeling success for any losses and regaining control, with unexpected flashes of what I'm doing to myself in the eyes of others.

I am back on track, I'm back under seven stone, circling around 95, I feel in control. I've actually felt elated, ready to get back to my writing, be productive, see people. I can fucking do this. I can make it work. I can even be so productive that I won't have time to spend every waking minute considering something weight related, I'll just busy myself and achieve again.

Yes.

No?

I'm not sure, I'm still feeling in control but it's being tested. Ninety five isn't my lowest so I wasn't expecting health worries. And it wasn't so easy to ignore. My teeth began to ache two days ago. I panicked. I panicked so bad. I felt like I may lose my teeth. This is not something I expected. It actually feels like I'm losing my teeth. I know I'm unhealthy but all the signs are usually easy to ignore, to blind yourself to. Not when it's your teeth. And this followed a more open meeting with my counsellor so I guess I was was veering on the vulnerable side. It shook me. Later I was showering and when I bent over I caught my the reflection of my profile in the mirror and I noticed just how much my spine stuck out, I hadn't seen it that prominent ever. This shook me more.

But see I can't stop because I'm back on track. The last few days I've done really well. Maybe not sleeping wasn't a highlight but food lost that temporary grip it had it on me. Today I had to come home to my family and my mam straight away made a throwaway comment on how thin I am. She didn't push it but obviously she notices something. I love coming home to see her but at the same time I'm afraid to my core of hurting her. She'd made dinner. Now see I've perfected the art of talking about food, different recipes and various things that 'taste delicious' with everyone as some sort of a defence mechanism, I hear myself all the time getting into conversations about it and wondering if they seriously believe that I could honestly feel that way and be so casual on the subject.

But she'd made dinner. And I'm ruining myself. And it's one meal. And she'll see me eat. She won't have cause to worry. One meal. No sides. Just shepherds pie. But there's meat. And I don't know what to do. This time it's not a case of telling myself I shouldn't want it and more of telling myself that maybe I should. I wasn't battling with fears of binging, it was different, it was weird. A part of me thinks well you may not want to but you will have to exist with some sort of health, who will want to see you naked? You love your bones but what man will? So I eat it. It tasted great. It felt awful. I needed it out of me. I can't rationalize that it's just one meal and christ maybe I really need it. No it's ruining everything. I need it gone, I need to have never been inside me. Impossible. I need the feeling inside me to leave, I want that hollow feeling to come back. I purged it. I don't want to have to purge. If I could just be left to my own rules. Eat if I feel like I need to without the pressure of what others will think if I'm not seen eating. Then I'd be fine. Just great. But I purged because I had no other option, and even then it's always too late. You can never fully rid yourself of the crap you put in your body. I'm scared because I know I need to slow down, but I don't want to. I'm scared no matter what I do. And I'm scared of my hospital referral because nobody has told me what actually will happen or how I'll be treated and suddenly I just don't feel at all ready.

Fuck, I don't want to let anything go. I just want to find a better way of coping, a balance so I can succeed in my life. Shit, I'm scared because I don't think I'll ever be able to gain and ever, ever be ok with that. But maybe, and here's the unexpected thought.. Maybe I need to stop losing?

And now I'm at home, and I haven't told my mam yet about college because I feel like I'm letting her down. And of course she'll worry and stress because she'll start to think that things are a lot more serious than just some depression that I'd be getting help with. And I cannot not not tell her about eating issues. That is too much. I don't want to be watched at home. I want to enjoy my time here when I visit. And she's really does not need the added stress. Besides I can hardly say 'hey, thanks for that lovely dinner you just watched me eat, by the way I'm anorexic.' It would seem a little strange and not make much sense. But how exactly do I convey that it was crucial for me to take time off without explaining why it was crucial for me. I do my best to be cheerful and together whenever I'm home so I don't want to break that for her.


I feel like an incredibly selfish daughter. All I want is to go back to my house, go out, get drunk, get fucked until it all stops. I haven't been doing much of any of those lately. I need the release. People will start to think me strange. I used to always go out but I somehow have turned reclusive. It became easier.

Now I want it all back, I'm back, I want it all, and if I'm going to crash then fuck I'm going to do it properly. The need feels overwhelming, I just wish I didn't have this conscience that tells me that whatever I'm doing will affect those around me.

I wish I was on my own to do as I pleased. Not forever. Just for a break. Seriously, just a break. A break by me, with just me, to get away from me. Do whatever I please. I wish I could let go.

Yes, I'm an incredibly selfish girl.

3 comments:

  1. I relate to the reclusiveness. From the ending of college 'till just yesterday, really, I've shut myself off from people. I've never been really outgoing, but it got to the point I'd stay in my room for days on end 'til mummy dragged me out in an attempt to take my mind off of treatment.
    And I know exactly what you mean about feeling selfish. Mummy had to quit work, and we've lost a lot of money for her to look after me at home. She loved her work. ._. She's going back now, though ^.^ Things get easier once you co-operate. It's just a matter of remembering what -you- really want. x

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  2. I can relate to everything you've written. Everything you've written there is something I have had to acknowledge in the past two days.

    That realisation, when you get glimpses of yourself from the viewpoint of others is unlike anything I've ever felt.

    I hope things get better for you, I really do.

    x

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  3. Thanks girls, I feel like at this point something has gotta give. But I don't know what, or how, or if I even capable right now.

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