Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Deliberating.

What can I eat tomorrow?

I know I have to. But what?

I'm trying to work it out.

I need to eat. I don't feel all there. Something bad will happen to me if I don't.

So one slice of brown bread, maybe with cheese?

But that'll be too many calories. I need to drink coffee so I have to allow for those calories.

I don't want to eat. But I know I'll have to.

But I know I'll feel awful afterwards.

But if I have it in the morning I can work it off throughout the day. If I don't I think something bad will happen to me. I need to function. So I need it. I should have it now but I can't possibly lie in bed with that in my stomach. I need to function, things to do tomorrow. Tonight was good, met friends, talked, just a small get together, totally laid back, but I was beginning to find it hard to keep it together.

Maybe just the bread. But I should probably have the cheese, for the dairy, for my teeth. Fuck, my teeth. Two weeks until I can get an appointment to sort it out. Please let them be ok until then. 'Til then really strong antibiotics. Which I've been explicitly told have to be taken three times a day with food. They're strong. They'll make you really ill otherwise. Apparently. I just looked at the dentist, scared because I can't possibly eat three meals a day right now. I've taken one so far on my empty stomach and I'm ok. One more before bed. So shit, I really should put something in my stomach in the morning.

But I feel so uncomfortable about doing it.

I need to eat. I can see that. I'm not doing so good. I'm confused. I can't seem to reconcile these two trains of thought. I know I need to eat something but I can't.

It's ok, one thing in the morning. I have to. I just need to work out what. It'll be ok...

4 comments:

  1. hag in there hun. i'm hoping you have the strength you need tomorrow :)

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  2. If you're worried about calcium and vitamins and minerals and stuff, why not try a multivitamin? Or eat spinach? If you're not going to eat, then at least make what you do eat something healthier and better for your body than bread and cheese. Veggies don't have all the sugar that fruit does, and even the negative calorie veggies have a shit load of nutrients. Maybe it'll help keep you from falling apart completely.

    -Summer

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  3. Mmm, if you're worried about the calories, at least allow yourself "safe foods" like veg. One slice of brown toast in the morning won't be at all harmful, either. It's best to try and get a lil bit of each food group, just not lots, obviously.
    It's good that you still recognize that you need food as fuel and such. I didn't and stupidly got myself all ill and pushed into treatment. T.T

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  4. I take vitamins already, my body craves carbs these days which is why when I know I need to eat something I'll allow cereal or bread, I know veg may be better.. The same way I know eating would be better. I'm past the point of thinking clearly about these things.

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